I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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