guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
