Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
