I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
