I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
