Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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