He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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