The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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