I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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