I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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