I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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