I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
