I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
