I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
