It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
