I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
