So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
