I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
