arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
