I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
