im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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