Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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