she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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