I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
