i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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