so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
As shirtless as possible
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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