your parents love me but you hate me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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