I will die if light touches me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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