the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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