if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
