I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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