Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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