just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is Oprah even human
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
