I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
