after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
