Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
