i need an iv and a liver transplant
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
