There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
