I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
