my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
