Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Send help, water and tortillas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
