Screwed.edu
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
