Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
