$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
