man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
