just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
