he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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