yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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