i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
