nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
