I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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