my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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