absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
